14 May 10
There’s always light at the end of the tunnel…
07 May 10
Life’s two greatest questsion….
Should I get a dog?
Or should I have kids?
30 Apr 10
The Trucker ...
A trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Vegas.
He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich”.
The Madam was astonished.. She said, “OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal?”
The trucker replied, “Listen, sweetie … I ain’t horny… I’m homesick!”
23 Apr 10
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
21 Apr 10
Nothing looks better than a pissed off American. Eh?
Silly Americans - Hockey is for Canadians
Where you dissing Canada? Because I couldn't hear you over the clanging of our gold medals.
16 Apr 10
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were sitting there, eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building!!”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and shouted, “Burritos again! If I get burritos for lunch one more time I’m going to jump off this building too!”
The Blonde opening his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too!”
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and hurdled himself off the building, falling to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw that same old, same old burrito and jumped to his deal as well.
The blonde guy opened his lunch box, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I had known how tired he was of that corned beef and cabbage I never would have put it in his lunch!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. She rolled her eyes and said, “Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunches!”
09 Apr 10
Winter Boots… ...
A teacher was helping one of her students put on his winter boots. The little boy had asked for help with his boots and it was clear why. Even with the teacher pulling those boots with all her strength they still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on she had worked up quite a sweat and when the little boy exclaimed, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet!” she almost cried.
As she looked down at those boots she could see they were indeed on the wrong feet and it wasn’t any easier pulling them off than it had been to put the on.
BUT she managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots off and then back on the correct feet.
The little boy then announced with great enthusiasm “These aren’t my boots,”
The teacher had to bite her tongue, rather than scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?!” like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill fitting boots of his little feet. No sooner did they get those boots off and he said “These are my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em!”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’
He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’
02 Apr 10
Joe goes to the local city council to apply for a job and was called for an interview for the next day.
He got ready for the interview and practiced his answers to all the usual questions in preparation. After Joe walked into the interview room he shook the interviewer’s hand and got started.
“Are you allergic to anything?”
Joe was, so he answered “Yes, caffeine.”
”Have you ever been in the services?”
”Yes” Joe answered “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That gives you an edge over all the other applicants” and then asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
Joe replied ”Yes…a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off!”
The interviewer tells Joe ”O.K. In that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are 8AM to 2PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 and plan on starting at 10AM every day.”
Joe looked puzzled and asked “If the hours are from 8AM to 2PM why don’t you want me to be here before 10AM?”
’This is a council job” the interviewer replied, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. Not really any point in you coming in for that bit, is there?”
19 Mar 10
Making a Baby ...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said:
‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’ *
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ’Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.’ After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me…I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – considering their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied.
‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘You mean they actually chewed on your, uh… equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted
12 Mar 10
The Bank Robber… ...
A robber wearing a black hoodie pulled over his face burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texan grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s
face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him and shot the teller instantly.
Everyone elsewas so scared that they kept their eyes glued to the floor.
The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence where everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think my Republican boss may have caught a glimpse of you.”