My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunk lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
I sighed, ”Yes, she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago. I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
My wife laughed and replied, “Nah! You’re pulling my leg! No one could go on celebrating that long!”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not!! It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well don’t you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” the stranger called through the darkness.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Well where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House”.
He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and…well… you get the point”.
“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe… Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess”.
Michelangelo’s David Is To Be Returned To Italy
After a two year loan to the United States ,
Michelangelo’s David is being returned to Italy . . .
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.’
Mummy fainted!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall which had his full name on it.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with that same name that had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. Could that be the same guy that I had a crush on all those years ago?!
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded the notion. He was balding, had grey hair with a deeply lined face and was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
“Why yes!” he exclaimed. “I’m a mustang!” he gleamed with pride at that statement.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“In 1975,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that OLD, UGLY, BALDING, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON OF A BITCH asked me:
“What did you teach?”
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those very expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, believe it or not, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Hellloooo!……Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, which was that “In ONE YEAR all these windows will pay for themselves!”
So, “Helllooooo?” I told him, “It’s been a year!” There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
”Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
”I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,”What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?’
The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget’
