A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with thing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says:
’Well it’s like this Sheriff ….. I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy.. ‘
‘And here I am.’
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
There is a distinction between having guts and having balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?”
Not one hand went up …. so she took them home and had a feast.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: ‘You English people eat the whole bread?’
Englishman (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) ’We don’t. In France , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .’ The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: ‘Do you eat jam with the bread?’
Englishman: ‘Of Course.’
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). ‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .’
After a moment of silence, the Englishman then asks: ‘Do you have sex in France ?’
Frenchman: ‘Why of course we do’, he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
Frenchman: ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Englishman: ‘We don’t. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .’
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
’Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace. ’My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’
There’s always light at the end of the tunnel…
Life’s two greatest questsion….
Should I get a dog?
Or should I have kids?
A trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Vegas.
He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich”.
The Madam was astonished.. She said, “OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal?”
The trucker replied, “Listen, sweetie … I ain’t horny… I’m homesick!”
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
