An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were sitting there, eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building!!”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and shouted, “Burritos again! If I get burritos for lunch one more time I’m going to jump off this building too!”

The Blonde opening his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too!”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and hurdled himself off the building, falling to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw that same old, same old burrito and jumped to his deal as well.

The blonde guy opened his lunch box, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I had known how tired he was of that corned beef and cabbage I never would have put it in his lunch!”

The Mexican’s  wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or  enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so  much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. She rolled her eyes and said, “Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunches!”

A teacher was helping one of her students put on his winter boots. The little boy had asked for help with his boots and it was clear why. Even with the teacher pulling those boots with all her strength they still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on she had worked up quite a sweat and when the little boy exclaimed, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet!” she almost cried.

As she looked down at those boots she could see they were indeed on the wrong feet and it wasn’t any easier pulling them off than it had been to put the on.

BUT she managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots off and then back on the correct feet.

The little boy then announced with great enthusiasm “These aren’t my boots,”

The teacher had to bite her tongue, rather than scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?!” like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill fitting boots of his little feet. No sooner did they get those boots off and he said “These are my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em!”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the  boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

Joe  goes to the local city council to apply for a job and was called for an interview for the next day.

He got ready for the interview and practiced his answers to all the usual questions in preparation. After Joe walked into the interview room he shook the interviewer’s hand and got started.

“Are you allergic to anything?” 

Joe was, so he answered “Yes, caffeine.”

 ”Have you ever been in the services?”

 ”Yes” Joe answered “I was in Iraq for two years.”

 The interviewer says “That gives you an edge over all the other applicants” and then asks “Are you disabled in any way?”

 Joe replied ”Yes…a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off!”

 The interviewer tells Joe ”O.K. In that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are 8AM to 2PM.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 and plan on starting at 10AM every day.”

Joe looked  puzzled and asked “If the hours are from 8AM to 2PM why don’t you want me to be here before 10AM?”

 ’This is a council job” the interviewer replied, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  Not really any point in you coming in for that bit, is there?”

A robber wearing a black hoodie pulled over his face burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave  Texan grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s
face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
 
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him and shot the teller instantly.

Everyone elsewas so scared that they kept their eyes glued to the floor.
The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence where everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think my Republican boss may have caught a glimpse of you.”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

FIRST  DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at  2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife said  ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

SECOND  DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’ So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD  DEGREE

A  blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a  gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she  does so, she is overcome with grief… she takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

FOURTH  DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state  capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’

The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy: ‘W’ .

FIFTH  DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

‘Is it  mine?’

SIXTH  DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as  a UCLA  freshman, sat in her US government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what ‘Roe vs. Wade’ was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally  said, ‘That was the decision George  Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware’

SEVENTH  DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.   She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.   As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a  leash, the blonde ran out on the  porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman.’