He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and…well… you get the point”.

“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe… Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess”.

After a two year loan to the United States ,

Michelangelo’s David is being returned to Italy . . .

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.’

Mummy fainted!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall which had his full name on it.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with that same name that had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. Could that be the same guy that I had a crush on all those years ago?!

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded the notion. He was balding, had grey hair with a deeply lined face and was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Why yes!” he exclaimed. “I’m a mustang!” he gleamed with pride at that statement.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1975,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that OLD, UGLY, BALDING, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON OF A BITCH asked me:

“What did you teach?”

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those very expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, believe it or not, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Hellloooo!……Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, which was that “In ONE YEAR all these windows will pay for themselves!”  

So, “Helllooooo?” I told him, “It’s been a year!”  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.  He never called back.  

I bet he felt like an idiot.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”  
 

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”  
 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.  Next!”

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,”What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?’

The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget’

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she ’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

         
The minister fainted.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug  and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a  blonde.
 The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,’Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a  cop!’

Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,”coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”.