I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church
of the Lord?

He said, Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.

“The teacher is now really angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.

“What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you’re a crappy hockey player too?”

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, “Nope! That’d mean I’m an American!”

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘what are these, Dad?’ To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’

‘Oh,’ replied the boy.  He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.’

‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’

‘Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…’

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats  a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked: ”Are all of those kids yours ? ”

He replied: ” No. I work for a condom company. These are our customers’ proof of their ‘Personalized’ complaints. “

A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged  shooting himself in the genitals.  Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

 ”Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to  be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

 ”What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

 ”The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis  which left quite a few holes in it.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

 ”Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

 ”Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

On a recent winter morning, a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park. ..”

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she asked her husband, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunk lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

 I sighed,  ”Yes, she’s my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago.  I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

My wife laughed and replied, “Nah! You’re pulling my leg! No one could go on celebrating that long!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he  answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not!! It is 3:00 in the morning  and it  is pouring rain out there!”
“Well don’t you have a short  memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring  rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you  still there?”

“Yes,” the stranger called through the darkness.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Well where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House”.

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and…well… you get the point”.

“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe… Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess”.