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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
He said, “Like what?”
I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”
He said, “Religious.”
I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?”
He said, “Christian.”
I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, “Baptist!”
I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church
of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”
I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.
“The teacher is now really angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you’re a crappy hockey player too?”
A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, “Nope! That’d mean I’m an American!”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘what are these, Dad?’ To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’
‘Oh,’ replied the boy. He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’
The dad replies, ‘Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.’
‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’
‘Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’
‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…’
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked: ”Are all of those kids yours ? ”
He replied: ” No. I work for a condom company. These are our customers’ proof of their ‘Personalized’ complaints. “
A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
”Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
”What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
”The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
”Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
”Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
On a recent winter morning, a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park. ..”
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she asked her husband, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunk lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
I sighed, ”Yes, she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago. I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
My wife laughed and replied, “Nah! You’re pulling my leg! No one could go on celebrating that long!”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not!! It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well don’t you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” the stranger called through the darkness.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Well where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk