Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
He said, “Like what?”
I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”
He said, “Religious.”
I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?”
He said, “Christian.”
I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, “Baptist!”
I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church
of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”
I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”
I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’
The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?’
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible!’ says the doctor, ‘show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
‘HELLLOOOOOOO!’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in CANADA , and I’m driving the FUCKING SALT TRUCK.”
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend …. Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men… are men.
A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.
“The teacher is now really angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you’re a crappy hockey player too?”
A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, “Nope! That’d mean I’m an American!”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘what are these, Dad?’ To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’
‘Oh,’ replied the boy. He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’
The dad replies, ‘Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.’
‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’
‘Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’
‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…’
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked: ”Are all of those kids yours ? ”
He replied: ” No. I work for a condom company. These are our customers’ proof of their ‘Personalized’ complaints. “
A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
”Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
”What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
”The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
”Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
”Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”