Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,”What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?’
The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget’
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she ’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,’Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop!’
Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,”coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”.
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with thing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says:
’Well it’s like this Sheriff ….. I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy.. ‘
‘And here I am.’
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
There is a distinction between having guts and having balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?”
Not one hand went up …. so she took them home and had a feast.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: ‘You English people eat the whole bread?’
Englishman (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) ’We don’t. In France , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .’ The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: ‘Do you eat jam with the bread?’
Englishman: ‘Of Course.’
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). ‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .’
After a moment of silence, the Englishman then asks: ‘Do you have sex in France ?’
Frenchman: ‘Why of course we do’, he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
Frenchman: ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Englishman: ‘We don’t. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .’
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
’Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace. ’My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’
